Anxiety Has Hands But So Do You
If we’re going to be stuck fighting with anxiety for the rest of our lives, we might as well learn how to fight back.
For the longest time, I let anxiety run my life. I allowed my fearful and excessive thoughts to stop me from doing activities that I really wanted to participate in. I’ve decided that enough was enough and I would no longer hold myself back from experiencing things that I really wanted to.
Recently, a few reminders have been helping me manage and rationalize my anxiety. They have also allowed me to push myself and I hope they can help others too. Maybe they’ll even bring things into a newer and more hopeful perspective for you, as they have for me.
1. Be kind to yourself.
You don’t have to constantly be at war with yourself. If your thoughts are already frustrating being kind allows for one less additional stress. You can become someone who brings comfort in your time of need which works to ease or repair the relationship with oneself.
In times when my anxiety is more active, I tend to become very critical and rude to myself. When I speak to myself kindly it helps me to stop internalizing my frustration and bring reason to my thoughts.
In moments when you’re yelling at yourself or calling yourself harsh names, pause take a few deep breaths and tell yourself to stop. Follow the pause up with reassuring, encouraging or kinder words and maybe even an apology to yourself. Being kind to yourself does take time and practice but once you have it down, it’s a relieving feeling.
2. A problem doesn’t exist unless they say something.
Ignore when your anxiety makes you assume someone is upset with you. If someone has a problem with something you did, they should make it known so the issue can be resolved. If they do not mention an issue, then it does not exist. It is not your job to decipher behavior or attitudes towards you.
I tend to believe my friends and family are upset with me over small things. It was such a relief once I realized that as adults, we need to make issues known in order for them to be resolved. If not acknowledged the issue will fester and build resentment within the relationship.
This mindset also led me to realize that I need to start letting my friends and family know when I have a problem with something they’ve done or said. People are not mind readers and do not know when I have an issue with their behavior or words.
3. People are more focused on themselves.
The majority of people are focused on not upsetting others and embarrassing themselves. Just as you are, other people are worrying about how they present themselves and respond in social situations. They are more likely to remember their own behavior than that of anyone else.
In social situations, I become hyper-focused on my behavior and responses. Following the conversations, I mainly remember my own behavior or responses rather than other people’s. This brings me comfort to know that other people probably don’t remember or think too much about how I acted or my contribution to the conversation.
4. People’s actions are a reflection of themselves, not you.
People’s behavior and reactions towards you have nothing to do with you. Other people’s actions express their own beliefs and attitudes. If someone is rude to you, they are projecting their own negative feelings onto you in hopes of spreading their negative emotions.
5. People project their insecurities.
People tend to look for their own insecurities in others and put their doubts onto them. I’ve had people comment on my body or behaviors which I never thought to be insecure about which in turn made me insecure.
I caught myself projecting my insecurity of dancing in front of others onto my sister. We were at a family and friends cookout, and she began dancing to music before I told her to stop. My thought process was to stop her from possibly embarrassing herself so she should cease before the chance arises.
Reflecting on the situation, I regret my words because she was enjoying herself and shouldn’t have had to stop because of my own issues. Now, I fear that she may internalize my words and think she shouldn’t dance in front of others because of me.
6. Stop internalizing other people’s perceptions of you (or how you think other people perceive you)
We tend to assume how other people think of us and try to act according to their beliefs. Even if this idea they have of you play doesn’t fit into what you would actually do, you try to act accordingly. This is harmful behavior as it could lead to doing something against your values to prioritize other people’s beliefs. Constantly hurting yourself ruins the trust and relationship you have with yourself. If it causes you pain or discomfort, it is not worth your time and effort.
7. Anxiety is irrational and lying to you.
Anxiety can become irrational. The Cambridge Dictionary defines irrational as not using reason or clear thinking. Anxiety consists of thoughts that do not use reason or clear thinking such as thinking people are upset with you because of a slight change in tone. If these thoughts are irrational, they aren’t logical and probably aren’t founded on truth.
This reminder has helped me several times when I try to apply logic to my thoughts. I tend to believe people do not like me even if we’ve only had a few interactions. Applying logic to this thought, it doesn’t make sense for someone who has encountered me once or twice to not like me with the small amount of information they know about me.
8. Do it for the plot.
This is a social media phrase regarding one’s life as the plot of a story. Do things that excite or terrify you for the funny stories you’ll be able to tell from acting on them. If the worst-case scenario happens, it can be something to laugh about when you tell your children stories about your youth. You want your future children to think their parents were cool and interesting.
If living with anxiety is frustrating, trying something new wouldn’t hurt to attempt to ease these thoughts and feelings. Stop letting anxiety control your life and begin working on managing your thoughts and emotions. It’s easier said than done but actively working towards coping becomes easier the more you try.
