APRIL FOOL’S EDITION: Column: Read between the ... Eyes?

There’s something in the air as of late.

No, not COVID. Well, I mean yes, there is that. There’s something more sinister, dare I say — sexy?

The continued adherence to mask policies on college campuses has led to interesting developments. Of course, we have those who would prefer to not wear their masks, and that is a problem in and of itself, but an unforeseen reaction to those that do wear masks has potential to be create another crisis.

Let’s face it: You put a bunch of developing young adults facing additional isolation and stress on one campus with limited face-to-face interactions, there’s going to be some desperation bubbling over.

Not to reduce us students to a boiling pot metaphor (which is exactly what I am about to do) the heat is rising as the weather shifts into hotter temperatures and hormones, touch-starvation, connection and general young adult crises are about to create a steaming atmosphere.

Returning to the facts at hand — the most exposed and personal body part that is now responsible for direct communication is the eyes. I’d say hear me out, but if I were in person it’d be muffled behind the fabric over my nose and mouth.

So, listen and read: All this deep gazing into other people’s eyes is not good for my heart.

I can guarantee you that if you pick up a novel with an ounce, a mere gram, a pinch of romance in it, the eyes will make a lustful appearance and description. So, for my well-read readers, this poses a hopeless and simultaneously hopeful romantic scenario.

Check yourself —

• Have you been staring into the eyes of strangers and friends more than usual. (The answer is yes, by the way)

• Have you been studying people’s faces to try to find another point to stare at?

• Have you desperately tried to ignore the speaker’s eyes despite the fact that the other options are either forehead, hair, or bridge of nose?

If so, you, too, have fallen victim to the lustful, romantic scheme that are masks.

The forced continued eye contact is not healthy for young adults.

I’d like to propose a simple solution to those that are suffering from the lustful gaze of strangers: sunglasses.